… with my stupidity.  i don’t know.  i don’t get it.  i don’t understand my motives and my heart.  i guess i DO understand  them but they surprise me.  just when i think my heart is safe, i find that it actually isn’t.  i thought i was sailing along just fine… since august, actually… but i have hit a speedbump.  just a tiny one.  it’s nothing really important, just a realization that maybe i’m not in the place i thought i was.

i’m ready to be done with all of this.  i was the only girl at lunch today and we were talking about being single and the boys were surprised by my answer that i am ready to be married.  they were shocked, i think!  i can’t help it.  i feel really ready to put all this singleness and confusion and loneliness behind.  i know, i know, i know.  relationships are hard.  they hurt.  they strain you.  they grow you.  they tear you apart and put you back together.  i am ready to be stretched.  i am ready to dig deep into myself and into someone else.  to know and be known.  i can’t help it.  i’m ready.  do You hear that?  do You hear that i’m longing?  i know that You do.  i know it’s not my time, apparently.  but i’m still hopeful that maybe tomorrow or the day after.. or maybe next week or month or this summer or this fall or next year or the year after.  please let it be sooner rather than later.  my heart is so, so tired of searching and yearning and getting tangled up and untangling itself.  so tired of giving little pieces away… even if only in theory.

this sure was honest.  here i am.  here’s my transparency.  this is me.