So, my mentor recommended “The Inner Voice of Love” to me back in November and I ordered it but never read it.  I never read – which I need to work on – but anyway.

While I was typing my blog last night, I was thinking about the various voices around me that I’ve heard throughout this process.  Most have been encouraging.  Other people are feeling the same way.  My mentor was so encouraging.  Graham told me “You’re not the same person you were when you were 22” esssentially saying that maybe the church is not the best fit anymore.  He has just been through a similar situation and I’ve seen how he has flourished after taking a step out – he’s an inspiration, for sure.  There have been voices not as positive as those, though.

However, I saw on facebook yesterday that my friend Brooke “became a fan of” Henri Nouwen and it reminded me of my unread “Inner Voice of Love.”  I picked it up last night and you’re supposed to read it slowly – as a devotional almost, but I kept turning the pages.  I couldn’t stop.  Every sentence seems so carefully crafted to strike at your core and get past your walls and get all the way to your heart and help bring healing.  It’s amazing so far.

So, a few seemed to apply to my current heart-situations… One is too personal and has to do with all of the blogs I deleted last month, haha but here is one that applies to last night’s blog:

Trust the Inner Voice

Do you really want to be converted?  Are you willing to be transformed?  Or do you keep clutching your old ways of life with one hand while the other you beg people to help you change?

Conversion is certainly not something you can bring about yourself.  It is not a question of willpower.  You have to trust the inner voice that shows the way.  You know that inner voice.  You turn to it often.  But after you have heard with clarity what you are asked to do, you start raising questions, fabricating objections, and seeking everyone else’s opinion.  Thus you become entangled in countless often contradictory thoughts, feelings, and ideas and lose touch with the God in you.  And you end up dependent on all the people you have gathered around you.

Only by attending constantly to the inner voice can you be converted to a new life of freedom and joy.

Now, obviously I think it’s important to have wise people around you helping you discern and figure things out… but maybe I should trust that inner voice more.

And maybe I shouldn’t blog about huge life decisions before they happen and get people’s opinions.  ha.  Don’t be surprised if that post disappears soon, ha.  It’s something that I haven’t even voiced with my fellowship group as a whole, so I feel bad about posting it online first…  but we meet tonight and I will definitely bring it up.